We’ve been told our entire lives that the more friends we have, the happier we are. It’s been embedded in our minds since we were young that the lonely kid is somehow less than the popular kids in school. I feel like having a lot of friends has always been celebrated as something positive, while not having many, is seen in a more negative light.
Yet, why do so many of us still feel so empty when we’re surrounded by lots of friends? How come I am so much happier now, despite having less friends than I used to?
This paradox is something I’ve been unable to grasp for a long time. It left me feeling confused and lost.
Social Connections are Important
As humans, we all have an innate desire to connect with other people. It’s well documented in the scientific literature that we thrive on social connections. Our lives are happier and more fulfilled when we develop and nurture our relationships.
But there’s a catch. Not every social interaction or connection that we make with others will bring us long-term happiness and joy. The key lies within the quality of the relationship and the value it brings to our lives.
Unfortunately in this day and age, genuine connections are hard to come by. We have become busy people with our own agendas on how to conquer the world. There is little time that we set aside for our friends and family, let alone developing our relationship with others. Although the internet has enabled us to fill this void, it’s more like masking it; we can all agree that online connections are very different to the connections made in real life.
Quality Over Quantity
Over the years, I’ve learnt to appreciate the quality of friendships over quantity. My outlook on life was naive back then. I wanted to have as many friends as possible, perhaps as a sign of validation or to douse my insecurities. Friendships were started but they were never nurtured. Although it was fun and enjoyable on the surface, the reality was one-dimensional. Despite my multitude of friends, groups of friends and expansion of my social circle, it became too overwhelming. I was unhappy and discontent. It felt like I was dancing in a mosh pit full of people, yet when I fell, there was no one to pull me back up.
In the last year, my aim was to seek out fewer friendships, but to hold them with truer meaning and form deeper connections. I looked to my relationship with my best friend of 15 years for guidance. Genuine connections warm up our hearts, fill us up to the brim with joy and make us happy. We’re open to each other’s flaws, fears and failures. The friendship wasn’t strong because we hung out, it was strong because we were still there for each other even when weren’t hanging out. These friendships enrich our sense of being and life. They elevate our strengths and better our weaknesses.
True Friendships are Key
Ideally we want to be friends with everyone. But it’s unnatural to force a connection that isn’t there. Our expectations of other people can result in us feeling upset when our actions aren’t returned. We all have different personalities and values so it’s important to have integrity, yet at the same time, be self-aware and open to opportunities.
There are ways to create honest, sincere and natural connections that will enrich your life. I’ve also developed a free worksheet to help us self-reflect and become more aware of the connections we truly want in our lives.